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Making a plan and committing it.

Make a plan. Plan fail. Make another plan. Plan fail. I seem to be going through this cycle, over and over and over again. I don’t know if I should say the plans fail, it’s more like I don’t see the plans through.  Urrgh!

Too many times I am left feeling like a failure. But how can I be a failure when I don’t see the plan through to know if it worked or fail? I ask myself this over and over again. I get into the rut of having this gigantic fight with myself over if I’m a failure or am I the biggest procrastinator this side of the space I occupy with so many others.

Writing about my thoughts, my days, my adventures has always been my thing. I have journals galore filled with my life. The life that has been good, bad, ugly, and all the in between.  For years I’ve told myself to take those journals and turn them into a book. My mother would hound me about taking my life experience and tell it to the world. She would say, “Dena, you have a story. You are to help someone else.” I would agree with her, but never take the time to go any further. Then I’m stuck in that vicious cycle again…plan, do nothing, plan, do nothing, get upset, do nothing, beat myself up, and on and on. Am I the only one?

What am I afraid of? That is a question that I can not answer. I really don’t know.  Ok, so what’s holding me back? I don’t know that either. My kids are adults doing their own thing…there was a time I would use that as an excuse. I have a supportive husband, so that’s not holding me back. I work a full-time job, a standard 8 to 5, but is that really holding me back? Maybe it’s my illness -Lupus- that leave me fighting fatigue. That can’t be it because I can write from the comfort of my home, my bed. Nope, that’s not it. Well what is it? Drumroll please…ME…it’s me. I can’t blame anyone or anything else for my lack of following through. I can’t use anyone or anything as an excuse as to why I have  made numerous plans but never followed through.

So now what? What happens now that I have identified my enemy? I get up, grab that planner that my daughter so graciously gifted me with when I told her I need to plan, and get to planning. What will be different this time? I will commit my plans before the Lord and my plans will be established, Proverbs 16:3. I can no longer continue the vicious cycle I’ve been on, sabotaging my dreams, only to be left wondering what if. Today I was reminded by a dear relative that amazing is on the other side of fear. I want my amazing!

Greatness lives within you, therefore go out and be great!

LaDena

 

 

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It just has too

Life is so funny at times. It can have you on the highest of highs, at other times you can’t even function from system overload. One day you could be swinging from the chandelier and the next you could be struggling to dry your tears.

I’ve been on this rollercoaster for about 2 years…wait, almost 3 or is it 3. I can’t even keep up with that. But anyway, I’m pretty freaking exhausted.

Let’s see –

2014 I had brain surgery.

Same week my mom was diagnosed with cancer and faced a life or death surgery.

I walked every step with my mom for 2 years as she, we, fought that bloodsucking cancer til her death in 2016.

Then I spent 1 ½ years just trying to learn to live without my mama who was my girl, my weekend partner, my everyday gossiping buddy, my we never got our eyebrows waxed without the other mama.

And, I’m married so I fought with my husband constantly as my emotions would swing from the pendulum all the dang gone time. Highs, lows, highs, lows…swing, swing, swing.

Through it all there is always something in me telling me to just hold on. Just believe. Press on another day. Then I press through one foot in front of the other. I would slap on a smile, straighten my back and walk on. It is now October 28, 2017, almost through with the year and dang near every phone call, text, email has been bad news. This family member is battling cancer, this family member need a hip replacement NOW, this one’s dementia is getting worse fast and oh, wait, this one has cancer too. Like REALLY is all I can muster up to say. System overload is back. This time with a whole new wave of anger, frustration and sadness.

As I sit here thinking, reflecting, I keep going back to the times when something told me to hold on, to believe it’ll be alright, to press on and I know that was my FAITH. My faith, my belief has pulled me through before and it has to pull me through again. IT JUST HAS TOO!

 

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Be Pleasant

6 Let your speech at all times be gracious and pleasant, seasoned with salt, so that you will know how to answer each one [who questions you].
Colossians 4
Today on this day that is my prayer. Lord help me to be gracious and pleasant when I am questioned about the things of this life, this world, my life, my world. I don’t expect everyone to be able to understand me. I don’t expect all to agree with me.
When one doesn’t understand or agree, I can still be gracious and pleasant. Being angry, rude, disrespectful does nothing to a situation but bring on more anger, rudeness and disrespect. All parties shut down from there. No one is listening. No one is gaining anything.
Being gracious takes practice. Being pleasant takes practice. Some need more practice than others. Some may never get it. But as for me (and hopefully you too) Lord, season me with wisdom, a pleasant attitude, grace and a grateful heart so I can be ready for the questions are plenty.

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Light is coming

Psalm 30:5New Living Translation (NLT)

For his anger lasts only a moment,     but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night,     but joy comes with the morning.

It can’t last forever. Darkness cannot last forever. Whatever the darkness is in your life, it just cannot last forever. Light drives out darkness. Just around that corner, around that heartache, is light. If you do not give up light is just around that darkness waiting to burst through.

His favor is a lifetime. That is His approval, acceptance, special benefits and blessings are for a lifetime. Don’t you want it for a lifetime? I know you want it for a lifetime. I know I do. Keep pushing, pressing, praying, for light is on the other side. Joy is on the other side. Morning is coming and favor is for a lifetime.

Be Blessed and Keep Learning.

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Have you ever felt fear but you always knew you had someone you could run to? Someone that could give you a good pep talk or maybe even tell you how dumb you are? For me, that person was my mama. My mama was good at giving advice…some good, some bad. Some of her advice I took, most of the time I didn’t but she was always there to give it.

Now she’s gone. My sweet little mama that was full of opinions & advice has left me for her heavenly home. I guess God needed her opinionated self more. Just joking. My mama was tired. She really fought a great fight. She was always a servant at heart. Even in her last days she wanted to serve.

My mama was faithful, caring, family oriented, fun, funny and had a knack at using certain words that could cut you to the core (but she did this with love). I never saw fear in my mama’s eyes. For the 45 1/2 years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen fear in her eyes. She may have felt fear but she never showed it. Mama took care of home, was abused by her 2nd husband, cared for her girls & everyone else kids, ran a in-home daycare, took care of the neighborhood family, her immediate family & never showed fear.

Now my fearless, faithful mama is gone. In the days since her death, I’m learning. Learning of my fears. Learning of my strengths. Learning of what she left me. Learning how her death is showing me fearless, faithfulness & Servanthood.

I’M LEARNING!

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Now that the weather is cooling into my favorite season, Fall, I’ve been taking my coffee on the back porch. My sweet pooch, Precious, has been joining me. The past couple of days Precious has taught me a valuable lesson – an old lesson but still valuable.

My backyard is full of squirrels in search of pecans from my faithful pecan tree. Precious sits quietly on the porch watching the squirrels. Then she crouches down low and begins to take small calculated steps toward her prey. As she think the time is right, Precious sprints off toward the squirrel. I have yet to see her capture a squirrel, but she does this over and over and over again. It’s as if she doesn’t remember all the failed attempts at catching the squirrel. Precious just keep trying and trying. That squirrel is her prize, her goal.

This reminds me of Philippians 3:13-14Amplified Bible (AMP)

13 [a]Brothers and sisters, I do not consider that I have made it my own yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what liesbehind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the [heavenly] prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

We can’t allow our past to stop us. We can’t squander life on what we didn’t catch. Although we consider ourselves not to have taken hold of it, we must forget that and press toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called.

Like that squirrel that escapes, things, people and jobs escape us too. It is then we must lay low on our knees searching heavenward to win our prize. Never give up. If God has called you to it, He is faithful to strengthen you and see you through it.

Keep learning

Peace

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10/26/16

Today is just one of those “well hell” days – a phrase made famous by my mother. Well hell is kinda like…pretty much like…well hell. You’re just kind of there, not feeling one way or the other, not knowing how to comment, not knowing to care or not to care. It’s just Well Hell.

Have you ever had one of those days? To care or not to care? To feel or not to feel? Your mind & body just be all over the place. Frustrating indeed. You want to do better, feel better but ole “well hell” is riding your back. So then you say, well hell and do your best to make it through the day.

When we have these days we shouldn’t beat ourselves up. We shouldn’t go haywire trying to figure it all out. We really should embrace it. We should take our “well hell” days and reflect. Reflect on what could have brought this on. Reflect on what has been our thought process lately? Are these thoughts causing me to just be? Reflection is good for us. Examination of one’s self is even better. Examining one’s self is very spiritual, in fact we were commanded too. My best suggestion is to find that place where you can be one with you. Your mind isn’t racing, your breathing is slow & steady and just examine. For me, I take a walk if it’s nice outside or I find a cool spot under some shade to just chill. And then I just be. I listen to my thoughts, then examine them, I listen to my heart, then examine it. I even listen to my body and examine it too.

So today turn your “well hell” day into a day of reflection and examination. Who knows you may shock yourself!

Peace

Still Learning

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In her death

Have you ever felt fear but you always knew you had someone you could run to? Someone that could give you a good pep talk or maybe even tell you how dumb you are? For me, that person was my mama. My mama was good at giving advice…some good, some bad. Some of her advice I took, most of the time I didn’t but she was always there to give it. 
Now she’s gone. My sweet little mama that was full of opinions & advice has left me for her heavenly home. I guess God needed her opinionated self more. Just joking. My mama was tired. She really fought a great fight. She was always a servant at heart. Even in her last days she wanted to serve. 

My mama was faithful, caring, family oriented, fun, funny and had a knack at using certain words that could cut you to the core (but she did this with love). I never saw fear in my mama’s eyes. For the 45 1/2 years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen fear in her eyes. She may have felt fear but she never showed it. Mama took care of home, was abused by her 2nd husband, cared for her girls & everyone else kids, ran a in-home daycare, took care of the neighborhood family, her immediate family & never showed fear. 

Now my fearless, faithful mama is gone. In the days since her death, I’m learning. Learning of my fears. Learning of my strengths. Learning of what she left me. Learning how her death is showing me fearless, faithfulness, servanthood. 

I’M LEARNING!

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